I’ll never stop playing

It is not over. It is never over. In the end, I always return to the console, and somehow, I always have at least a little bit of fun, that is enough to bring me back, holding the controller like my baby. During the last week, I even played just by myself. Twice! What is going on? Especially just after I said, that it is over. That I don’t want to play games anymore?

Right now, I can think of two reasons. First, the circumstances of being bombarded with things to do for my university: I play as a compensation for all the work that has to be done, as a compensation for my duties. And second, because I am used to play in so many different ways: If I hear, that my roomates are playing, I get overwhelmed by the willingness to play with them. If I come home after a long day, I walk through the living room, and there it is, the video game console covered in a bright and shiny light. Or just before I go to sleep, come on, just one or two rounds.

Addiction has many reasons. And video games are all about addiction. If I don’t get addicted to a video game in any way, I won’t get the “rules” of the game, I won’t become better, I maybe even get frustrated during a singleplayer story mode, if my addiction level is lower than the basic expectations of the gameplay itself.

If I look back, I ever been addicted to video games. It all started 1998, when my dad bought me the first Playstation. The fascination never stopped since then. One more reason is, that I am a native of “modern” 3D video games and I was always part of the evolution. Not only from Playstation 1 to Playstation 4, but also a part of the evolution of graphics, storytelling, gameplay and so on. Every new generation of consoles and video games showed me and the world new things or features, that were so fascinating, that I never really had the chance to stop playing at all.

Having a look from an outer perspective, this all seems complex and weird. Video games are closed units, separated from the concerns of the real world: They don’t bring me closer to any of my goals. Which maybe means, that they are a waste of time. But is joy, the core intend of every single video game, really a waste of time? I had probably one thousand hours of gameplay in my favorite game back then, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and so did my friends. What do I feel when I look back? Was it a waste of time?

A second before that magic “beep”.

Absolutely not. I consider this time as a good time. Most importantly, an “easy” time: We had no problems. We were friends, and we played together. That was what mattered. Marks in school? Didn’t matter. Problems at home? Didn’t matter. Achievements in real life? Didn’t matter. Isn’t this, what youth is all about?

Sometimes I caught myself saying, that I could have done so many more important things during my youth instead of playing video games. Playing the piano for example, or writing a book, or learning for school to get better grades, which in the end prevented me from attending the university of my first choice.

But somehow, I managed it. All my teachers were wrong! They said, no, you’ll get lost, you won’t get a good apprenticeship or whatsoever. I proved them wrong  and I somehow surprised myself a little bit with this. I attended a good university and got a great co-op apprenticeship at a big company. And it even got better: My addiction to video games started to pay off in the form of a Youtube channel. And this is probably another reason, why I am confident to say that I didn’t waste my time back then.

And at last, surely, times will never be that easy as it was in my youth. But this is the reason, why this was a good time. I lived it as a fulfillment of my perception of what I would call joy. And besides all other reasons, joy at the end of the day is what keeps me playing video games.

Once a gamer, forever a gamer.

Thank you for reading my GamePlay blog. I had a blast.



I am back!

I wake up. I want to play.

I go to sleep. Can’t wait to play again tomorrow.

The addiction to this game got me back. It just took a few ingredients: A roomate bringing in his Xbox. He bought Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare Remastered (Infinity Ward, 2017). And we have an online connection. That was it. And every single guy in my dorm was down to play the game!

So this week, we have played a lot. Like really a lot. But I can’t say, that it is the same addiction that happened to me a few years ago, when my life nearly was all about Call of Duty. This time, it does not feel like a compensation of real life. Moreover, it is a competitive, joyful experience. My roomates challenge themselves, while challenging all of these anonymous players around the world. Who is going to get the best highscore?

From an outer perspective, it is quite confusing. I am in Canada, in the country I ever wanted to live in, mostly because of the nature and the way of life. I could do thousand things in a day, but right now I rather go back to my dorm and play Call of Duty with my friends. Is it more fulfilling than experiencing nature? I would not say so. But why then do I spend more time playing this game instead of going out?

In a simple way, the addiction to a video game is different from the addiction to nature. I feel free when I’m walking through a forest with big trees and white mountains at the horizon, but right now I ask myself, how does nature reward me with this sense for mothers earth beauty? I feel free. A good feeling. But I am also asking myself, how this brings me further in life? The game instead creates a feeling of being proud of myself, because I have proved to be better than my friends and mostly better than the online competitors, and in addition, I leveled up. But at the end, this is temporary. It also does not brings me further in life. To conclude, nature and video games cause different emotions and feelings inside me, but the game rewards me quite more for spending time with it.

But wait. Doesn’t nature reward me too for spending time in it? Oh yes, it does! Just climb up this mountain and you see, what I see: Namely that there is nothing in this world that can haunt our consciousness more than nature. This is real, and although the emotions caused by video games are real too, they get created from something digitally, from something virtual, maybe even unreal.

So what am I going to do next after my class today? Go out for a walk? Or play Call of Duty with my roomates? The answer is easy and I think, that I don’t understand it fully yet. But yes, I am going to play. It is a nice Monday to play video games with your friends.

See you next week,



My soul just got dark

I try again. And again. And again. This bossfight freaks me out. Dark Souls III (From Software, 2016) is not fair. Noo, this game is just not fair. This stupid boss isn’t going to die! Whyyyy… argh! Again. And again. THIS GAME IS…

amazing! Finally I have beaten him. I feel overwhelmed. Pure joy is throwing its particles of happiness into my mind. Wow, that was a fight. Took me hours.

When I rethink the situation, I feel ashamed. I won this virtual bossfight, but the bossfight in real life, that one exam in the middle of the semester, was too hard for me to pass. I lost the game! And not only a few hours later I was sitting in front of the console, playing Dark Souls 3, smashing my emotions towards the screen and feeling… good afterwards. Yeah, I needed this good feeling.

I tried so hard, and in the end, I defeated the boss in the game. How hard have I tried to get a good grade in the exam in university? I feel like not having tried too hard. The grotesque thing is, that there is no restart button for my exam. I have to give my best to defeat the bossfight in real life with my first try. Otherwise I won’t get the points I need to be a successful student. So why did I not try as hard as I tried to defeat the Boss in the game? Wasn’t I aware of the consequences? Or did I just thought I can try again and again in my subconscious?

Friends trying hard on Dark Souls 3

Sometimes it is easy to loose track on the important things. Sometimes the world is so full of serious things to keep always in mind, the underlying need is to escape of that and just play games. The characteristic of a game is a non-serious level, I can try how often I want, and I can shake away all my thoughts of serious real life. Maybe this time, I forgot to catch them back. I maybe was still thinking of real life as a video game, and this is not only because I have been playing video games recently, but I enjoyed having fun in general. Serious stuff is not as much fun as the fun that is possible with friends around you.

Yeah, I feel ashamed. And this shame is going to make it different for my next exam. Shame is a factor of seriousness. And although the ecstatic joy I got overwhelmed with after defeating the boss in the video game was what I needed after so much frustration, the serious frustration of not getting the mark I wanted to achieve will not be replaced.

Until next time,



Infinite anger

It’s time for Call of Duty again. But not for the game, I used to be one of the best players in. I wanted to try something new. Something more modern, something progressed, something, that’s still related to the “Warfare” – Series by Infinity Ward, but is completely…

Shit. Sorry to say that. But if you ever played “Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare” or “Modern Warfare 2”, you might understand me. In the years after the best two games of all time (according to my total multiplayer playtime), “Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare” (2014), followed by “Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare” (2016) created a boundary of frustration around the Call of Duty – Series. When I now really tried to get into the multiplayer battle of Infinite Warfare, I had the same repetitive thought all over again: WHY DID YOU DO THIS, Infinity Ward?

Me personally, I changed too over the years. What I want to say is, that I learned from mistakes. I erased them through the years, and kept focusing on something that worked well. I am now like an improved version of the kid that was addicted to video games in his early puberty. But the game of my addiction, Call of Duty, did the opposite. They tried to improve a game by making it more complex. Instead of just erasing mistakes and focusing on the things that worked well, they added an infinite number of in-game things, that threw the players into the future of battle. But the future of the Warfare – Series, also called progress according to the developers, is just a future setting, which steps back from a simplistic, addictive game.

The addiction of playing the first Modern Warfare was based on a simple mechanic, just like Counterstrike (Valve, 2000). A first person multiplayer shooter focused on the most addictive thing possible: Who is the better player when it comes to 1on1 ?

1on1 happens a hundred times during a single game. And the two old Modern Warfare – Games made it possible to realize in each 1on1-situation, who the better player was. Advanced Warfare and Infinite Warfare destroyed that addiction by adding numerous possibilities to leave a 1on1-situation as a winner, although it wasn’t a matter of skill. Players were flying around with their jetpacks, using advantages of getting killed a few times in a row, and I had no clue what was going on when I saw the Respawn-screen again and again.

So in these 3 1/2 hours that I played the multiplayer mode of Infinite Warfare, I just faced anger about all of the stuff the developers added to my beloved game. Anger about jetpacks, anger about the lack of simplistic level design, but yeah, anger about the millions of things to unlock which even made the bad players become successful. This is not what I was used to face in a Call of Duty – game. The previous addiction came from anger about my lack of skill, so I wanted to become the best player. Now it was just anger about the game itself.

Here and then it was fun, yeah, I got some really creative kills in the game. But there wasn’t a single moment, in which I forgot the world around me, in which my body and soul were so abandoned in the virtual world, that I did not care about food, friends, and real life in general anymore.

So after discovering that those new, “progressed” games can’t create addiction to myself, I still ask myself, whether the old ones are still able to pull me into the circle of a second life.

Until next week! Cheers,