My soul just got dark

I try again. And again. And again. This bossfight freaks me out. Dark Souls III (From Software, 2016) is not fair. Noo, this game is just not fair. This stupid boss isn’t going to die! Whyyyy… argh! Again. And again. THIS GAME IS…

amazing! Finally I have beaten him. I feel overwhelmed. Pure joy is throwing its particles of happiness into my mind. Wow, that was a fight. Took me hours.

When I rethink the situation, I feel ashamed. I won this virtual bossfight, but the bossfight in real life, that one exam in the middle of the semester, was too hard for me to pass. I lost the game! And not only a few hours later I was sitting in front of the console, playing Dark Souls 3, smashing my emotions towards the screen and feeling… good afterwards. Yeah, I needed this good feeling.

I tried so hard, and in the end, I defeated the boss in the game. How hard have I tried to get a good grade in the exam in university? I feel like not having tried too hard. The grotesque thing is, that there is no restart button for my exam. I have to give my best to defeat the bossfight in real life with my first try. Otherwise I won’t get the points I need to be a successful student. So why did I not try as hard as I tried to defeat the Boss in the game? Wasn’t I aware of the consequences? Or did I just thought I can try again and again in my subconscious?

Friends trying hard on Dark Souls 3

Sometimes it is easy to loose track on the important things. Sometimes the world is so full of serious things to keep always in mind, the underlying need is to escape of that and just play games. The characteristic of a game is a non-serious level, I can try how often I want, and I can shake away all my thoughts of serious real life. Maybe this time, I forgot to catch them back. I maybe was still thinking of real life as a video game, and this is not only because I have been playing video games recently, but I enjoyed having fun in general. Serious stuff is not as much fun as the fun that is possible with friends around you.

Yeah, I feel ashamed. And this shame is going to make it different for my next exam. Shame is a factor of seriousness. And although the ecstatic joy I got overwhelmed with after defeating the boss in the video game was what I needed after so much frustration, the serious frustration of not getting the mark I wanted to achieve will not be replaced.

Until next time,



A Sense of Duty

Week 2 Data

When I switch into the multiplayer mode, I feel an underlying duty rushing towards me like a wave of things, that I need to do, or moreover, that I want to do in order to reach the next level. The duty itself consists of playing hours by hours a specific game mode, not because I want my team, which always changes from round to round (my Clan times are over), to win, it is more likely an egocentric way of becoming better than the other players. I guess that’s it, I want to be the best player and you don’t have any chance against me.

For the first time ever, I thought about the gaming situation from an outer perspective. Young guy is sitting in the middle of the living room, gaming laptop in front him, he plays the multiplayer mode of the first person shooter Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. And while playing, he recaps, what he is doing.

The start is messed up. Haven’t played this game in ages. Although back then I had 20 days of playtime in CoD 4, it feels like I am a total newbie. I don’t have a single chance. Maybe it is because I am using the gaming laptop instead of my beloved Playstation, but this can’t be it. I still know the multiplayer map, I still know every single weapon, I still know where to go and how to behave. But my movement has changed, I am super slow, I don’t see an enemy at all.

But wait, there is one! Argh! Respawn.

My lack of reaction is frustrating. I get overwhelmed by the feeling, that it could take ages, until I am back into the game with all of my abilities to be the best player within a round of Team-Deathmatch. Shortly after it, I feel a little bit dizzy, the frustration seems to have a physical effect too. I stop playing the game for today.

iNoReply tries to step back into the game

While playing just for one hour, I have felt ambivalent about being back into the game. Back in 2011, I have spent nearly every day on the game, and when I had to chose the first weapon I want to use, it reminded me of that time. Back then, there didn’t exist any problems. Everything was second-rate. School didn’t matter, sports didn’t matter, going out with friends didn’t matter. Just the game mattered.

Now, after this one hour, I switch off the laptop and do some of my homework. After that I go out with friends. I takes three days, after I will switch on the game again.

What happened with me?

While frustration might be an important factor of how much I can get addicted to a level, in both ways, the fact that I was an actual good player some years ago made me quit the game quite fast again. Patience is required, and right now, I don’t have the patience. My life consists of so many things every single day, and gaming is just a little part of it. Why did I have so much patience back then? What made me actually getting addicted to an online game? And is there any chance I can get addicted again? I need to find out…

Until next week! Cheers,